My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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