The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
