I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
