woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
