Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we're making bets on your personal life
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
