Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
