I wish my penis had an off switch
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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