Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
