Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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