Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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