The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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