currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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