I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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