he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
