Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
