Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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