The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
