he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
