Soap is not a condiment
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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