I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
