I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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