you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
