i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
