alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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