Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Drake has all the answers
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
