I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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