Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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