She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
