Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
