awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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