is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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