Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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