please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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