the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
