There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
