By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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