her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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