Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
