Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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