I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
