Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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