I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
