toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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