she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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