I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
