I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
