We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
