My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
