I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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