Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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