i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Randomize
