Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
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Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.