why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
