don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
