I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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