Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This baby is an asshole
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
