what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
