He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
