my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
