you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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