You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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