I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
