are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
